I have changed a lot... in a short amount of time

In 3 months i have changed so much. I have gone to a hospital (again). A psychiatric hospital. For different reasons. I have realized, with the help of my therapist, my other identities; well, persona's that live in me. Well, she describes them as "parts". Because i don't have split personalities. I noticed earlier in another post I said "Harvey is probably the most androgynous" of my personas, but actually there is a primal beast that is the most androgynous. Little Bull and Harvey have their moments with androgyny but Harvey is just a less "girly" side and i don't even know how to explain Little Bull, she's just her own being. Creature. But I also have a primal beast which is the most androgynous but still has female characteristics. She's there when i don't feel like a girl or a human, just a creature. This happens a lot when I'm around men... well mostly my pretty friends and men. Because I feel like no one sees me as a girl or a human and I fade away. I feel like a creature. in a way i like her and I like being a creature. I see myself as this little pygmy with face paint and wild hair. And feathers.

-Kat ? ?

More Stability

I never realized how strong Harvey was -- well like I know she is strong, but I mean I had no idea how big of an impact she would have on me. Recently I have becoming more stable. Although I have a lot of obsessive thoughts i have been challenging them. Here, here's an example. If I am brushing my teeth I will repeatedly rinse and spit and count certain amounts of times until I think it's safe. Or i will say certain things in my head while i am brushing my hair until I think it's okay to stop. Or I will touch objects and position them in certain ways. I have been trying to do the things that I am scared of instead of my normal obsessive routines. I think Harvey helps part of this. She's so brave and "doesn't give a fuck." She tells me to be cool about a lot of things. I think she's slightly more of my masculine side. I know I didn't phrase that correctly. I want to give her credit because she is typing part of this. Also, she is not manly, although she is more masculine. She just isn't "girly" I guess. She also can't fall in love. I think. Like Little Bull she really is asexual. Although I think sometimes she is intrigued by men. She's not like Little Bull who is completely disgusted by them. Harvey is the only part of me that can be "chill," I'm pretty sure. She is probably the part of me that the men are into. However, she and myself haven't been interested in any of them. It seems like we have found our "other half" in a way, but that could be another one of Kat's misconceptions. She assures Kat that "it happens," and "maybe it's not the right one," more strongly than she (Harvey) was able to say before. Her voice has gotten a lot louder. And her style. Although it pains Kat to see Little Bull taking second command, but not even, just slightly quieter (although Little Bull could never possibly be quiet) than usual, Harvey's careful and level-headed decisions have helped us all out a lot. Harvey is such a powerful and important component that i orignally had no idea would have this impact on me, us, I am glad to have her in my (our) life. She started out as a work joke, "Harvey is my spirit," because other people at work had "spirits," that work their opposites or just different sides of them. They were kidding. But I have realized that that joke has enabled me to attach a name to a part of me that is very important to my life. Harvey.

Thank you so much Harvey, I Love you, we all Love you.
-Kat, Little Bull, (Harvey), and the Little Girl.

P.s. We're glad we had this time to tell you how great you are to us! (Thanks Harvs!)

"it feels like little men are jumping on my eyelids trying to close them"

-Tommy Miller
One of my best friends.

monsters

i am a monster. inside me lives a monster. many monsters. all we do is fight all day. I can't stand living in my own head. he's there. i want him to go away. heart pulling. monsters pulling. they fight. i want it to go away. people go away. the thoughts stay. the thoughts increase. people leave. i am alone. i will always be alone. i will always be alone because i don't know who i am. there are too many things going on inside of me. death. death is an escape. i am too afraid. life is pain. death is pain. i have to live. i would be afraid if i had to die.

my therapist told me to look out for pedophiles.

My therapist told me to be careful who I date because of my child-like demeanor. She told me this a couple weeks ago. Basically, she said that if I date someone significantly older (which ew, I probably wouldn't. I hope.) then there's a chance that they're into me for the whole "little girl thing" that I have going on. Everyone knows that's how I am. And I don't really feel like changing it. But all men are disgusting perverts anyway.

I feel like there is another element to karma

Where whatever bad thing one person does to the other, the wronged person subconsciously wants to do that thing the person had done to them to another person.
So basically, the person who had something shitty happen to them gets fucked over twice.

Because karma is going to be out to get them too.

Thank the universe. I'm calling them as I see 'em.

I don't like men

When I see a man


This is what it looks like.

Please don't mind the bad artwork. I didn't really even bother to try. I just wanted to get it down really quick on paper.

The other day some guy asked me to hang out with him and offered for me to come to his house and automatically I texted my friends to ask them the question, "If a boy invites you to watch movies at his house does that mean he wants to do it with you?" and I sincerely was scared to go over there and almost took my mace along with me.

But in all honesty, men are horrible creatures. usually, as with most things my insides sway on this subject. By insides, I mean my mind and sometimes my heart. But the last time i fell I decided i still hated all men and one was okay. I don't think that one was okay. After I experienced it, anyway. Although, as mentioned before my own conflicting thoughts and my own insanity is also to blame when it comes to these things.



I'll probably use another post to explain my thoughts better, but I'll say some now. Inside my head every day is like a constant battle between several people. All of them wanting to have, think, feel, or be separate things. The one thing I know I want is gone, and there are parts inside me still fighting about it. One part knows wanting it makes me crazy, the other part, the worst part of me, doesn't shut up and keeps asking for it repeatedly, endlessly, day in and day out. It's a battle none of us will probably ever win. None of us will be able to decide who should take the lead, and all of us are too different and contradicting to mesh together.


-Kat/Little Bull


?

"what in the name of whole wheat toast is going on?!"

- Direct quote from Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated. I think Fred's dad said it.
Anyways, not a great show and the character designs are horrible... (why ruin a good thing, right? Or at least, a classic one.) But it was on, and it beats Johnny Test (ew, my little brother agrees.) But it was a good quote, right? Anyways... the coolest monster was on it! This little nerdy girl who stole costumes from the theater department dressed up as this...
Okay, I can't find a picture butit was all cool and tribal looking. And then it turned all the children into little crazy monsters. Sounds like my life. When I was younger I would put war paint on my face and have other kids who were my friends paint their faces too and I said we were called "the Hooligans," anything to cause trouble.

Yeah. I think I also got too excited about that episode of Scooby Doo. And it is painful for me to sit here for this long right now. ahhh!

Oh and

When we were little, my sister threw this knife at me. Good thing it missed me.

But really, the worst part was really just her menacing facial expression and the laughter.

And yes, I'm aware that probably could not have injured me. But still.

Damnit.

You will always be the dress I fell in love in.

 

fuck. Well someday I'll be like "what the fuck?! idiot." 

oh and I wasn't really "in love" just some sort of fucked up "like".

shitfuckshitfuckfuckshitshitshit

horrible. just horrible.




here are my feelings. just a sketch. not finished. I never complete anything. Everything is incomplete or a mess. that is the pattern that goes throughout my life.

It almost looks good when it's small enough.

In my bed

So I have had an awful day friendwise until I got a text from TJ who
I have not seen in ages (like a 2 month time period or so).
My "strikeout buddy", 'cause we always strike out.
We've go bad luck in the game of love. I've realized
lately however my bad luck in love was due conpletely
to my own lack of sanity, and even worse lack of patience.
If only I had known how to be human. Or make sense.
Or something. Unfortunately, I am still not lacking crazy
because he, whose name will not be mentioned, is not thinking about me while I still
like him (a lot, actually). Sorry, this blog is
supposed to be about me keeping myself sane, and I
don't think I should talk about these issues here, even
though they're a big part of me that I have to fix. Although I
often wish I could come off as completely
shut off to any feelings of emotional attachment in the
way I have previously mentioned, I know they will always
sucker punch me in the face.
Is this blog about my journey to balance an sanity?
Maybe I do have an actual purpose for it?

Anyways, I forgot to mention, I also have serious attention issues
and some sort of ADD. it's impossible for me to read a book,
although I'd really like to. I got through a short story the other
day, a Native American one... (of course, Little Bull picked it out) called
"the Rabbit the kicked the blood clot around" or something with a rabbit and blood clot
boy.

Oh yeah, and TJ is currently crashing on my couch tonight.
He's one of those people who tells me
how cool I am and I am just baffled. But hey,
maybe he's right.

Sorry, this is a lot of rambling but I wanted to try to
post from my phone while I was in my bed to see what
it'd come out like and how awkwardly set up the paragraphs
and stuff would be.

I have not really felt human all day.
I feel like some strange creature, disconnected
from the rest of the world, set apart from the human race.
Well, anyway, I'm going to sleep now.
Goodnight.

-Kat (and a little bit Harvey and maybe some Little Bull)

So...

This morning I woke up to a text message. Awesome. Seriously awesome, but probably not really. I won't explain it to you. But anyways, I was feeling off and I couldn't decide who to be, I wasn't up for being Little Bull, and Kat is just too damned weak and probably my least favorite. So I thought and I pulled up Harvey. She hadn't been out for awhile, but probably the most androgynous and careless of my dualities I decided to take her out.

So anyways, the bug guy came over today and man he is just a ray of sunshine. He strolls around the house happy as a clam, singing and humming the music in his head. I definitely have some inspiration for the comic I am hopefully creating sometime soon. He was just talking away to me, "Yeah, thanks for letting me come in the morning. We have to wait around for hours sometimes. It used to be, we'd have like 3 or so hours in between seeing people and so I'd just go to the movies. Or I'd be like, 'I'm gonna go to the mall... I think I'll go shopping.' Yeah, I'd just but like 'I think I wanna go see that new movie... and go to Kmart.'"
Anyways, it's the interesting people you meet that makes life so fascinating. Even if it's something small like that, a short acquaintance, it's possible to get a lot of inspiration.


-Kat
-Harvey/Kat/Little Bull

Alright, so I finally have a blog.

I have way too many thoughts I need to get down and good/bad drawings and stuff I feel I could share with the world to not have one of these. The weird shit that goes on in my head is just too entertaining to me and all the other people that live in there seem to be having a good time, so why not share it with everybody else? Well, here's my chance to be even more self-absorbed than I already think that I am.

Hello Everyone.

I'm Kat, but sometimes I'm Little Bull, and today I'm thinkin' I'm Harvey... so, nice to meet you.
Oh, and sorry that I couldn't think of a better name. Hopefully some day I will. Can you change it on here? Oh well, we'll find out eventually.