I have changed a lot... in a short amount of time

In 3 months i have changed so much. I have gone to a hospital (again). A psychiatric hospital. For different reasons. I have realized, with the help of my therapist, my other identities; well, persona's that live in me. Well, she describes them as "parts". Because i don't have split personalities. I noticed earlier in another post I said "Harvey is probably the most androgynous" of my personas, but actually there is a primal beast that is the most androgynous. Little Bull and Harvey have their moments with androgyny but Harvey is just a less "girly" side and i don't even know how to explain Little Bull, she's just her own being. Creature. But I also have a primal beast which is the most androgynous but still has female characteristics. She's there when i don't feel like a girl or a human, just a creature. This happens a lot when I'm around men... well mostly my pretty friends and men. Because I feel like no one sees me as a girl or a human and I fade away. I feel like a creature. in a way i like her and I like being a creature. I see myself as this little pygmy with face paint and wild hair. And feathers.

-Kat ? ?

More Stability

I never realized how strong Harvey was -- well like I know she is strong, but I mean I had no idea how big of an impact she would have on me. Recently I have becoming more stable. Although I have a lot of obsessive thoughts i have been challenging them. Here, here's an example. If I am brushing my teeth I will repeatedly rinse and spit and count certain amounts of times until I think it's safe. Or i will say certain things in my head while i am brushing my hair until I think it's okay to stop. Or I will touch objects and position them in certain ways. I have been trying to do the things that I am scared of instead of my normal obsessive routines. I think Harvey helps part of this. She's so brave and "doesn't give a fuck." She tells me to be cool about a lot of things. I think she's slightly more of my masculine side. I know I didn't phrase that correctly. I want to give her credit because she is typing part of this. Also, she is not manly, although she is more masculine. She just isn't "girly" I guess. She also can't fall in love. I think. Like Little Bull she really is asexual. Although I think sometimes she is intrigued by men. She's not like Little Bull who is completely disgusted by them. Harvey is the only part of me that can be "chill," I'm pretty sure. She is probably the part of me that the men are into. However, she and myself haven't been interested in any of them. It seems like we have found our "other half" in a way, but that could be another one of Kat's misconceptions. She assures Kat that "it happens," and "maybe it's not the right one," more strongly than she (Harvey) was able to say before. Her voice has gotten a lot louder. And her style. Although it pains Kat to see Little Bull taking second command, but not even, just slightly quieter (although Little Bull could never possibly be quiet) than usual, Harvey's careful and level-headed decisions have helped us all out a lot. Harvey is such a powerful and important component that i orignally had no idea would have this impact on me, us, I am glad to have her in my (our) life. She started out as a work joke, "Harvey is my spirit," because other people at work had "spirits," that work their opposites or just different sides of them. They were kidding. But I have realized that that joke has enabled me to attach a name to a part of me that is very important to my life. Harvey.

Thank you so much Harvey, I Love you, we all Love you.
-Kat, Little Bull, (Harvey), and the Little Girl.

P.s. We're glad we had this time to tell you how great you are to us! (Thanks Harvs!)

"it feels like little men are jumping on my eyelids trying to close them"

-Tommy Miller
One of my best friends.

monsters

i am a monster. inside me lives a monster. many monsters. all we do is fight all day. I can't stand living in my own head. he's there. i want him to go away. heart pulling. monsters pulling. they fight. i want it to go away. people go away. the thoughts stay. the thoughts increase. people leave. i am alone. i will always be alone. i will always be alone because i don't know who i am. there are too many things going on inside of me. death. death is an escape. i am too afraid. life is pain. death is pain. i have to live. i would be afraid if i had to die.

my therapist told me to look out for pedophiles.

My therapist told me to be careful who I date because of my child-like demeanor. She told me this a couple weeks ago. Basically, she said that if I date someone significantly older (which ew, I probably wouldn't. I hope.) then there's a chance that they're into me for the whole "little girl thing" that I have going on. Everyone knows that's how I am. And I don't really feel like changing it. But all men are disgusting perverts anyway.

I feel like there is another element to karma

Where whatever bad thing one person does to the other, the wronged person subconsciously wants to do that thing the person had done to them to another person.
So basically, the person who had something shitty happen to them gets fucked over twice.

Because karma is going to be out to get them too.

Thank the universe. I'm calling them as I see 'em.

I don't like men

When I see a man


This is what it looks like.

Please don't mind the bad artwork. I didn't really even bother to try. I just wanted to get it down really quick on paper.

The other day some guy asked me to hang out with him and offered for me to come to his house and automatically I texted my friends to ask them the question, "If a boy invites you to watch movies at his house does that mean he wants to do it with you?" and I sincerely was scared to go over there and almost took my mace along with me.

But in all honesty, men are horrible creatures. usually, as with most things my insides sway on this subject. By insides, I mean my mind and sometimes my heart. But the last time i fell I decided i still hated all men and one was okay. I don't think that one was okay. After I experienced it, anyway. Although, as mentioned before my own conflicting thoughts and my own insanity is also to blame when it comes to these things.



I'll probably use another post to explain my thoughts better, but I'll say some now. Inside my head every day is like a constant battle between several people. All of them wanting to have, think, feel, or be separate things. The one thing I know I want is gone, and there are parts inside me still fighting about it. One part knows wanting it makes me crazy, the other part, the worst part of me, doesn't shut up and keeps asking for it repeatedly, endlessly, day in and day out. It's a battle none of us will probably ever win. None of us will be able to decide who should take the lead, and all of us are too different and contradicting to mesh together.


-Kat/Little Bull


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