"it feels like little men are jumping on my eyelids trying to close them"

-Tommy Miller
One of my best friends.

monsters

i am a monster. inside me lives a monster. many monsters. all we do is fight all day. I can't stand living in my own head. he's there. i want him to go away. heart pulling. monsters pulling. they fight. i want it to go away. people go away. the thoughts stay. the thoughts increase. people leave. i am alone. i will always be alone. i will always be alone because i don't know who i am. there are too many things going on inside of me. death. death is an escape. i am too afraid. life is pain. death is pain. i have to live. i would be afraid if i had to die.

my therapist told me to look out for pedophiles.

My therapist told me to be careful who I date because of my child-like demeanor. She told me this a couple weeks ago. Basically, she said that if I date someone significantly older (which ew, I probably wouldn't. I hope.) then there's a chance that they're into me for the whole "little girl thing" that I have going on. Everyone knows that's how I am. And I don't really feel like changing it. But all men are disgusting perverts anyway.

I feel like there is another element to karma

Where whatever bad thing one person does to the other, the wronged person subconsciously wants to do that thing the person had done to them to another person.
So basically, the person who had something shitty happen to them gets fucked over twice.

Because karma is going to be out to get them too.

Thank the universe. I'm calling them as I see 'em.

I don't like men

When I see a man


This is what it looks like.

Please don't mind the bad artwork. I didn't really even bother to try. I just wanted to get it down really quick on paper.

The other day some guy asked me to hang out with him and offered for me to come to his house and automatically I texted my friends to ask them the question, "If a boy invites you to watch movies at his house does that mean he wants to do it with you?" and I sincerely was scared to go over there and almost took my mace along with me.

But in all honesty, men are horrible creatures. usually, as with most things my insides sway on this subject. By insides, I mean my mind and sometimes my heart. But the last time i fell I decided i still hated all men and one was okay. I don't think that one was okay. After I experienced it, anyway. Although, as mentioned before my own conflicting thoughts and my own insanity is also to blame when it comes to these things.



I'll probably use another post to explain my thoughts better, but I'll say some now. Inside my head every day is like a constant battle between several people. All of them wanting to have, think, feel, or be separate things. The one thing I know I want is gone, and there are parts inside me still fighting about it. One part knows wanting it makes me crazy, the other part, the worst part of me, doesn't shut up and keeps asking for it repeatedly, endlessly, day in and day out. It's a battle none of us will probably ever win. None of us will be able to decide who should take the lead, and all of us are too different and contradicting to mesh together.


-Kat/Little Bull


?

"what in the name of whole wheat toast is going on?!"

- Direct quote from Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated. I think Fred's dad said it.
Anyways, not a great show and the character designs are horrible... (why ruin a good thing, right? Or at least, a classic one.) But it was on, and it beats Johnny Test (ew, my little brother agrees.) But it was a good quote, right? Anyways... the coolest monster was on it! This little nerdy girl who stole costumes from the theater department dressed up as this...
Okay, I can't find a picture butit was all cool and tribal looking. And then it turned all the children into little crazy monsters. Sounds like my life. When I was younger I would put war paint on my face and have other kids who were my friends paint their faces too and I said we were called "the Hooligans," anything to cause trouble.

Yeah. I think I also got too excited about that episode of Scooby Doo. And it is painful for me to sit here for this long right now. ahhh!

Oh and

When we were little, my sister threw this knife at me. Good thing it missed me.

But really, the worst part was really just her menacing facial expression and the laughter.

And yes, I'm aware that probably could not have injured me. But still.

Damnit.

You will always be the dress I fell in love in.

 

fuck. Well someday I'll be like "what the fuck?! idiot." 

oh and I wasn't really "in love" just some sort of fucked up "like".