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Why do we smoke, and drink our livers into failure, saying it is just because we are young? We say we'll stop when we're older. We are huge sadistic masochists. So if we are doing all of these self damaging things, then why are we so afraid of the most masochist thing of all? Which is... falling in love.

oh baby.

I was thinking the other day about the use of the term, "baby" in certain sexual encounters. From what I have heard from many females, while they have had men trying to coax them into things they don't really want to do, the men usually say things like "Oh, come on baby," or "it's okay baby, come on. Come on baby." That kind of thing. I think that men use this to either dehumanize the female or don't even know her name during the situation. I have heard of many situations when the male has become agressive that they use this term in place of a girl's name. The fact that I have been told this one multiple occasions from different females has led me to believe that a good portion of the time my detachment/dehumanizing theory is true. These are for the most part random sexual encounters where things start becoming less consensual and more one-sided and dangerous. the use of the term "baby," is, I am almost certain, to use a somewhat endearing term while disrespecting a female and her opposition to the situation at hand.

fear

This isn't an inner conflict between a boy and my friend, this an inner conflict between beer and wine!

she was right.

Life is much too boring to not make out with someone that you hate.




I was sitting there, in the shower, drinking wine coolers.



I realized to myself that maybe if I watched a Brittany Murphy movie every day then maybe I might be motivated to push further in my life. Every time I see one of her movies I have this sense of "that's how I want to be." A total mess but somehow still able to pull myself together where it counts. Her characters are a lot like me. Quirky, blonde (which I have never wanted to stop being and can't wait until I am again), and lost. She, being the character, has no idea what to do with herself or how to make a life for herself. She can never see where the time went as she realizes that it is past the amount of time where she should already have her life at least somewhat together. Always being told to "grow up," eventually find a way to do so. I won't grow up deep down, but I do need a grown up life; you know, a career and bullshit.



Wait, I have so far completely mislead you on the original intent of this post. Oh, and please don't mind my grammar or anything else English-wise I have horribly screwed up. Yes, it's true. I have no attention span. I also type things out as I randomly recall all the "important" realizations and whatever that I have come to earlier that day.



Anyways... to the point.



It seems like, at least for me, I will always be alone. Romantically, is what I mean. Which is exactly what I want to want.



Things are way more complicated than this for crazy people like me...



I can't help it.



Well I mean, I probably could, but the unyielding destructive force is so strong.



It seems to always work out like this...



Let's put these guys into categories.



a. The unsuspected, completely "in love," crazy about me guy that just like, seemed to show up one day leaving me going, "wait, when did this happen?" Usually ending up as close friend, you can't help but like the attention, but you also don't like them back. They tell you LITERALLY, to the point where it pisses you off because it's just like a smack in the face, exactly everything you have wanted to hear, without you even telling them what it is. They somehow know the exact things to offer you and just the right things to say. LIKE HOW THE FUCK DID THEY KNOW THAT'S ONE TINY LITTLE THING THAT I REALLY WANTED BUT COULD NEVER HAVE OR NO OTHER GUY WANTED TO DO FOR ME?



Example. "I would drive you anywhere you wanted." "I will take you to..." blah blah blah, whatever. You probably don't get the point. I can't think of any good examples right now.



He thinks everything I do is so great, and maybe it's the fact that I am capable of being myself even MORE around him that makes him like me more. I don't know. But having someone like me at my worst, ALL OF THE TIME, is really hard to believe. I have always wanted someone to like me for my flaws. I don't know. I don't know.



b. Then you have the guy that wanted me, gave me the creeps/I thought he was totally desperate but I liked the attention. Now the tables have turned, but I'm not desperate in anyway, I just like the abuse.



c. Then there's the guys who like EVERYONE, often slow (sorry, I know that's mean) but not always. These guys like everybody, so don't feel special. Another kick in the face with those ones. (Which is probably where the above could also be categorized. Ouch, right?)



d. Then there's the guy you "could be in love with but can never have." That you may have sexually assaulted in the bathroom once. (not really, don't go reporting me.) This guy is pretty much perfect in my eyes, every time I have talked to him or seen him I went right back into the same stupid place I was before with the same stupid feelings when I had thought that I was over it. Right now I think I'm over it, I hope.



e. Then we have the "it could have kind of almost worked out but it didn't...at all." But I am a love addict, my pattern goes as follows:



1. I am obssessed.



2. I am freaked out because they like me back and find everything I possibly can with them, and am embarrassed with everything that they do.



3. They stop liking me, so I freak out, get obsessed again. And stayed glued to my phone because I need that high that I get from the last scraps of attention that they give me.



That's my usual cycle. Being a love addict sucks, I don't participate in marijuana smoking, or hard drugs, I drink and get high off of bad romantic situations and text messages.



What I really wanted to talk about...



b. Then you have the guy that wanted you, gave you the creeps/you thought he was totally desperate but you liked the attention. Now the tables have turned, but I'm not desperate in anyway, I just like the abuse.



Well okay, for one it's the whole "social standpoint," we all know that this guy is repulsive. Actually, I did. I know some of the stories, which were enough, and I have heard this guy talk. I hated him. "Why not? Life's boring."-My friend. I guess it's easier to not believe what you've heard in the past and just pretend it's not "THAT bad." But I want to get as close to the fire as I possibly can... of course that means being burned. What's wrong with a few more scars?



Seriously though, this whole thing creeps me out. It's pure fascination and adrenaline rushes.



I just need to stop texting and seeming desperate.



Because I'm not desperate.



Only for a high.



-Kat

I have changed a lot... in a short amount of time

In 3 months i have changed so much. I have gone to a hospital (again). A psychiatric hospital. For different reasons. I have realized, with the help of my therapist, my other identities; well, persona's that live in me. Well, she describes them as "parts". Because i don't have split personalities. I noticed earlier in another post I said "Harvey is probably the most androgynous" of my personas, but actually there is a primal beast that is the most androgynous. Little Bull and Harvey have their moments with androgyny but Harvey is just a less "girly" side and i don't even know how to explain Little Bull, she's just her own being. Creature. But I also have a primal beast which is the most androgynous but still has female characteristics. She's there when i don't feel like a girl or a human, just a creature. This happens a lot when I'm around men... well mostly my pretty friends and men. Because I feel like no one sees me as a girl or a human and I fade away. I feel like a creature. in a way i like her and I like being a creature. I see myself as this little pygmy with face paint and wild hair. And feathers.

-Kat ? ?

More Stability

I never realized how strong Harvey was -- well like I know she is strong, but I mean I had no idea how big of an impact she would have on me. Recently I have becoming more stable. Although I have a lot of obsessive thoughts i have been challenging them. Here, here's an example. If I am brushing my teeth I will repeatedly rinse and spit and count certain amounts of times until I think it's safe. Or i will say certain things in my head while i am brushing my hair until I think it's okay to stop. Or I will touch objects and position them in certain ways. I have been trying to do the things that I am scared of instead of my normal obsessive routines. I think Harvey helps part of this. She's so brave and "doesn't give a fuck." She tells me to be cool about a lot of things. I think she's slightly more of my masculine side. I know I didn't phrase that correctly. I want to give her credit because she is typing part of this. Also, she is not manly, although she is more masculine. She just isn't "girly" I guess. She also can't fall in love. I think. Like Little Bull she really is asexual. Although I think sometimes she is intrigued by men. She's not like Little Bull who is completely disgusted by them. Harvey is the only part of me that can be "chill," I'm pretty sure. She is probably the part of me that the men are into. However, she and myself haven't been interested in any of them. It seems like we have found our "other half" in a way, but that could be another one of Kat's misconceptions. She assures Kat that "it happens," and "maybe it's not the right one," more strongly than she (Harvey) was able to say before. Her voice has gotten a lot louder. And her style. Although it pains Kat to see Little Bull taking second command, but not even, just slightly quieter (although Little Bull could never possibly be quiet) than usual, Harvey's careful and level-headed decisions have helped us all out a lot. Harvey is such a powerful and important component that i orignally had no idea would have this impact on me, us, I am glad to have her in my (our) life. She started out as a work joke, "Harvey is my spirit," because other people at work had "spirits," that work their opposites or just different sides of them. They were kidding. But I have realized that that joke has enabled me to attach a name to a part of me that is very important to my life. Harvey.

Thank you so much Harvey, I Love you, we all Love you.
-Kat, Little Bull, (Harvey), and the Little Girl.

P.s. We're glad we had this time to tell you how great you are to us! (Thanks Harvs!)

"it feels like little men are jumping on my eyelids trying to close them"

-Tommy Miller
One of my best friends.